The Neji files
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: Neji has a new secret mission! Operation Black Mail! Will he finish the dirty deed or get caught in the process! Every Naruto character has a dirty secret and Neji discovers them all! Naruto, Lee, Sakura, Sasuke, Hinata, Tenten, Kiba, Shikamaru. crack
1. Intro

I was bored so I decided to write this. Boredom can be your friend!

The Neji files

Author: Hello Good people! Today we are going to send Neji on a secret mission! Using modern technology we will attach cameras into his eyes and-

Neji: WAIT JUST A GOSH DARNED SECOND! MY CONTRACT NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PLANTING CAMERAS INTO MY EYES!

Author: Yeah it did.

Neji: I read that contract five times!

Author: The camera part was written in invisible ink in-between the lines.

Neji: You tricked me!

Author: Noooooo In your contract is said "Sign here if you agree to all seen and unseen terms.

Neji: (So that's what it meant) But still!

Author: Don't worry it won't hurt your eyes or your kekkei genkai

Neji: I want out.

Author: (Evil look in eye) I'm sorry but that ain't happening. Itachi-san!

Itachi: Yes

Neji: O.o OH MY PIE!

Author: Please knock Neji out so we can proceed with surgery

Itachi: Heh (Knocks Neji out)

Neji: Oof!

Itachi: Anything else?

Author: Nope! Thanks for helping me!

Itachi: Anytime.

Author: Ok as I was saying before Neji interrupted me. He will be going on a secret mission called. Operation Black Mail! Neji will go around spying on the rookie 9 or 8 not including himself. Well the Neji files will start once Neji wakes up from surgery! Pray that he recovers people!

Next time! The mission begins! The secret of Lee's eyebrows! Or Not!


	2. Lee and Naruto

The Neji files

A/U the story takes place in Shippuden time and Sasuke is welcomed back to the village with warm welcomes and everybody in the Akatsuki are alive.

* * *

The sun was shining as it filled the room of a sleeping Hyuuga prodigy.

Neji Hyuuga slowly opened his eyes as the morning light filled his room. He sat up and gave small yawn. He felt something on his forehead. With a quick moment he removed the yellow sticky note that clung to his face.

It read:

_Hello Neji-san!_

_Did you sleep well?_

_Surgery was a success_

_Your mission begins today_

_Have fun! If you need me I will_

_Be in your thoughts!_

_Sincerely_

_Tally Mai._

Neji read the note over and over again. He still couldn't believe that he took this mission. He even thought it was fishy the moment Tsunade told him of it.

Yay Flashback!

"You called me Hokage-sama?" Neji stood tall and erect.

Tsunade glanced over a huge stack of papers at him. "Yes I did. Someone has requested you… for a rather particular mission."

"Particular?" Neji repeated.

"Yes. The person that requested you said that they could not tell us just what this mission is but they did say that the mission will take place in Konoha."

Neji had a bad feeling about his. The mysterious person. A mission in the village? This just sounded too fishy for his liking. "What is the name of the person that requested me?"

Tsunade sported a sly smile. "Well at first we didn't know who had requested you but…." She paused. Neji could only wonder what was going on in her head.

"But..." The Hokage repeated. "I figured out who she is."

"She?"

"Yes, She. She is a good friend of mine so therefore I trust her.'

Neji was slightly piffed that Tsunade still hadn't told him the person's name. Tsunade sensing his thoughts continued. "Her name is Tally Mai"

Neji swore that he has heard of that name before. He tried to remember where…

"Neji" Tsunade barked.

"Hai! Hokage-sama" Neji snapped his attention back to Tsunade.

Her voice was hard and serious. "Neji, I can't tell you what this mission will be. You must either choose to accept it or turn it down. Now I'm sure that this mission may seem…strange…but, this mission might be in your best interest to take. Tally Mai is offering you 20 million ryou to complete this mission."

Neji gaped at Tsunade. 20 million ryou! That's insane! I don't even make a fraction of that a year and I'm a jounin!

"Well Hyuuga Neji? Will you take this mission?"

Neji had made up his mind. "Hai Hokage-sama. I will accept this mission."

Tsunade smiled. "Good, this is for you. You are to follow the instructions on it."

Neji hesitantly took the slip of paper from the Hokage's hands. Already he was starting to regret it.

A few hours later.

Neji was standing out side of a bar 10 miles away from Konoha. According to the instruction written on the paper he was to meet his client in this bar. The Hyuuga gave an exasperated sigh and walked into the bar.

He squinted his eyes in the musty badly lit bar He took another look at his instructions.

_Go out of Konoha._

_Head to a town 10 miles to the south._

_Find the bar called the Evergreen_

_Ask the bartender for a Geneva Twist._

_Wait five minutes_

_Then head to the little table in the north western corner of the room._

_I'll come to you._

Neji followed the direction. He didn't drink the Geneva Twist. It looked like chocolate milk mixed with sour cream and mayonnaise.

5 minutes later.

Neji got up from his seat by the bartender and headed for the appointed one in the corner of the room. He didn't bother brining the Twist along.

Just as he sat down a girl appeared out of nowhere.

"Well hello Neji-san" She said.

Neji frowned. The girls face was covered by the hood of a long cloak.

"Are you Tally Mai" Neji activated his kekkei genkai."

"Yes and my! What scary eyes you have!" Tally Mai took the seat across from him. She pulled a piece of paper from her cloak. "This is the contract for the mission. If you do not sign this then your memory will be erased."

Neji stiffened a bit. He really regretted taking this mission now. He looked over the contract and signed at the bottom.

"Alright! Thank you for your cooperation Neji-san! I'll be in touch." Tally Mai disappeared.

Neji just sat there. He was dumbstruck for the first time in his life.

End Flash back. Awwwws

Neji sighed and got dressed. A few days after meeting Tally Mai he got jumped and operated on. Neji shivered. It felt really odd knowing that there were cameras in your eyes that saw everything you saw. Neji dressed himself while staring up at the ceiling.

On his way out of the Hyuuga main house he found another sticky note. This note said:

_Start with your team!_

_Have fun!_

Tally Mai-chan luvs yous!

Neji gave another sigh. He jumped from building to building to the training grounds.

20 minutes later.

"Hey! Neji-kun!" Tenten waved at Neji who had just reached the training grounds.

Neji grimaced. After he completes this mission he was going to be sure to make it up to everyone.

_**Hey! Neji-san! I got an idea!**_

_W-t-f?_ Neji stopped suddenly. He pinched himself. No he wasn't dreaming. He really was hearing Tally Mai's voice in his head.

_**Didn't you read the note I left you? I told you that I would be in your thoughts!**_

_I didn't think that you meant it literally!_

_**Oh well listen. You need to get some juicy black mail on them. Tenten or Lee pick you first target.**_

_Why did I ever agree to this? Do I really have to get Tenten too?_

_**What? You like her or something?**_

_No!_

_**Hahahaha you like Tenten you like Tenten**_

_Shut up! _

_**Whatever... I'm curious about Lee's eyebrows. There's something fishy about them.**_

Neji sighed.

"Um, Tenten-chan is something wrong with Neji-kun?" Lee was watching Tenten who was watching Neji make faces.

"I don't know"

"Um" Neji was snapped back to reality. _Gah I hate this_. "I'm sorry I'm…um…not feeling well to day." He staggered back when Tenten rushed over to him and put her hand on his forehead.

"You do feel a little warm" She said.

Neji gently pushed her hand away. "I'm fine. Now let's train."

Tenten didn't seem to buy his excuse shrugged and took a fighting stance.

After a few hours of training everyone decided that enough was enough and they all left to do their own thing. Except for Neji who started to follow Lee.

Neji followed Lee as he started around town bursting with youthful energy. _I feel like a stalker._ Neji couldn't help thinking to himself.

_**Get used to it. Hey wait what's he doing.**_

Neji quickly scanned the street for Lee. He found him at the entrance to a dark scary looking alley.

_What's he doing there?_ Neji jumped down to the ground and very sneakily moved closer to Lee.

He followed Lee down the dark scary hallway. Neji frowned when he couldn't see a thing. He activated his byakugan. He saw Lee and three other people. One of the three men handed something to Lee. Lee nodded his head then turned abruptly around. Neji jumped up on to the wall just as Lee ran back out of the hallway.

Lee paused at the entrance. Neji squinted his eyes. There was just enough light to see what Lee was doing. Neji gasped in shock as he saw what that man gave Lee.

Lee was holding a bag of crack. He watched in disgust as Lee took a sniff of the pack.

_**Wow I did not see that coming.**_

_Nether did I. I will never look at him the same way again. I can't believe that Lee takes drugs._

_**THIS IS GOLD!!**_

_This is sick._

_**What ever there's just enough time to find another target so get moving.**_

_Whatever._

So thus Neji started to run around town looking for a target. He found Naruto eating at Ichiraku ramen.

_**Look! It's Naruto! Go up and talk to him! **_

_Fine_. Neji took a seat next to Naruto. "Hey Naruto what's up?" Neji causally asked.

Naruto took another sip of his ramen. "Nothing much."

"Hn" Neji ordered a bowl for himself. The two males ate in silence.

_**Something's wrong. Ask Naruto is something is bugging him. **_

_Why? He seems fine to me._

_**Trust me he's not. My woman's intuition tells me other wise.**_

_Fine._ Neji gave the blonde eating machine a sideways glance. "Is something the matter Naruto?"

Naruto sighed and ordered another ramen. "As a matter of fact yes."

_**Just so you know I'm grinning smugly.**_

_Just tell me what I say now. _

_**Ok, Ok say ya wanna tell me? And when he says nah forget about it say I don't care. And you'll feel better if you let it out.**_

Neji looked Naruto in the eye. "Um...ya wanna tell me?"

Naruto gave him a queer look. "Nah forget about it."

Neji gave some credit to the voice in his head. "I don't care. You'll feel better is you let it out." After the words left Neji's mouth he realized how feminine they sounded.

Naruto gave him another queer glare before smiling. "Really? Then yah I guess that I could tell you but you have to keep it a secret."

Neji nodded his head.

"I'm really gay"

Neji's jaw dropped. His jaw dropped like a stone through air.

_**I KNEW IT!**_

_Oh my pie…. I don't believe it._

_**BELIVE IT! BELIVE IT!**_

"Something wrong Neji?" Naruto waved his hand in front of Neji's face.

"No nothing and um I'll keep your secret safe."

_**Quick run before he runs off leaving you with the tab. **_

"Un gotta go now, see ya later Naruto!"

Naruto pulled out his frog wallet. "Aww man. I don't have enough money! Dangit. I was going to leave him the tab." Naruto cried anime tears.

_**Alright! Two down 6 more to go! How do you feel Neji!**_

Neji was walking through the streets of Konoha heading for home.

_I feel dirty. _

_**Don't! Trust me. You might have to get even dirtier!**_

_O.o what are you planning._

_**I'm not planning anything. Well….I am planning something….**_

_Oh pie what. _

_**Since you and Hinata live right by each other.**_

_What._

_**Well I want you to spy on Hinata tonight.**_

_WHAT!_

_**Yes! Now listen to me! BOW DOWN TO ME! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA**_

………_.._

_**Ok fine don't bow. You still have to spy on Hinata though.**_

_I hate you_

_**I luvs yous toos!**_

* * *

Yay chapter one is done! Whooooo. I think that I'm goin to make this either a crack fic or sick fic. Either or. Not sure yet. Anyways please R & R!


	3. Hinata and Sasuke

The Neji files

Chapter two: Hinata and Sasuke!

* * *

Neji sighed. He was in for a long night. Tally Mai had just told him moments ago that she was going to bed and that he was going to be on his own. Neji really didn't want to spy on his cousin. It. Felt. So. Wrong. On oh so many levels.

"Um, i-i-is s-somebody there?"

Neji, using his ninja reflexes, quickly hid around the corner of a building. He was 20ft away from the window to Hinata's room. His byakugan was activated. He sighed with relief when Hinata backed away from her window then inwardly berated her for not being more careful.

Neji carefully snuck back around the corner of the house that he hid behind and quickly, quietly made his way to Hinata's window. He ducked under it when he felt his cousin pass by it.

He watched her through the wall under the window. He gasped and closed his eyes when he saw Hinata start to take of her shirt.

_**Hey I wanted to see that!**_

Neji's jaw dropped. That wasn't Tally Mai's voice.

_Who the heck are you!_

_**Me? I'm Hidan. Who the (censored) are you?**_

_Hidan? I thought that Shikamaru killed you or something. _

_**Yah he buried me in a hole. **_

_Wait what the heck are you doing in my head!_

_**Well I just getting a midnight snack when I saw Tally's door opened so I came in. I saw the monitor and this microphone thingy.**_

_O.o so that's how she gets in my head. _

_**Yeah- WHAT THE FRIG!**_

Neji had sub-consciously opened his eyes again. When he focused his vision on Hinata he swore out loud too.

There standing in the middle of the room was a shirtless Hinata.

Hinata was a guy.

_**WHAT THE HECK! SHE-HE LOOKED JUST LIKE A GIRL!**_

_I-I-I-I I never knew……my own cousin._

_**Dang and I thought Deidara looked like a girl.**_

_That blonde guy?_

_**Yep Oh I gotta go. Tally's wakening up. Oh tell Tsunade-chan that were going drinking tomorrow.**_

_Wait, what?_

_**Yeah Tsunade and Tally go drinking with us, the Akatsuki, every now and then.**_

Neji was just too shocked.

_**See ya later kid!**_

Neji leaned against the wall. He sat there speechless for hours. He felt the suns rays crawl across his skin.

_**Hey! Neji-san! Why are you just sitting there? Come on! I have a target for you**_. It was Tally Mai.

Neji could only say one thing.

_You and Tsunade go drinking with the Akatsuki?_

_**Oh? You found out about that? Yeah there great drinking buddies. You wouldn't believe how many jello-shots Itachi can drain down. And Hidan. He can drink a bar dry. Leader is really funny when he's drunk, he and Tsunade do karaoke together. There pretty good too.**_

_Oh my pie._

_**Oh yes the mission! Neji I need you to get some black mail on Sasuke oh and did you get anything good on Hinata?**_

_Um I'm going to go find Sasuke._

Neji jumped up onto the roof and rum off the find Sasuke.

_**Neji! I asked you a question… Dangit! He's ignoring me! Oh well guess that I'm going to have to watch the tape. **_

It was now 10 am and Neji was still on the hunt for Sasuke. After the Uchiha was welcomed back to the village he spent most of his time at the training grounds. Neji made a beeline to the closest training area. And was lady luck with him today.

Sasuke was absent mindedly throwing Kunai at a tree stump. He looked quite troubled.

_**I wonder what's on Sasuke's mind. Somethin' seems fishy. **_

Neji walked up to the Uchiha survivor. "Hey Sasuke."

Sasuke threw another kunai, acting like he didn't hear the Hyuuga.

"What's your beef" Somehow Sasuke always got on his nerves.

"Why are you bothering me?" Sasuke turned slightly. He stared at Neji out of the corner of his eye.

"Can't I say hi to a fellow ninja?" Neji scoffed.

Sasuke's only reply was a quiet, "Hn"

Neji sighed. "So tell me. What's bugging you?"

Sasuke was now staring Neji in the eye. "Do you really want to know?"

_No_ Neji thought. "Yes"

Sasuke looked at the stump. "I, I love your cousin…Hinata"

It took all of Neji's self control not to rip out all of Sasuke's guts out.

That Frigg head! I'll kill him! I'll…. Neji remembered Hinata secret. An evil grin appeared on his face. "Sasuke" He begin. "I hate to break it to ya but-"

"Yeah I know, Hinata is a guy."

Neji's jaw dropped. "Then your gay" More self-control stopped him from adding a 'too' at the end.

"No" Sasuke turned his attention back to Neji. "I loved him before I found that out."

"Then how?"

"I'm getting a sex change."

"…."

"Neji. You gotta promise me that you're not going to tell anyone. I'm afraid that someone might try to stop me."

"…"

"I understand that Hinata is your cousin and all but I love him. I love him enough that I am willing to toss away my manhood. See ya later. And remember. If you try to stop me or come between Hinata and me… I will kill you." Sasuke walked off just like that.

"…"

_**Hinata is a guy! Oh my pie! Sasuke is a transvestite! It's the apocalypse! **_

…_._

_**What has this world come to! What am I saying? This is black mail gold! We could make millions off this. The fandom community will die from shock! Then….then I'll have the entire male cast of Naruto to myself! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!**_

…_._

_**Your stuck speechless aren't you?**_

…_._

_**Whatever. Don't tell Naruto this. It'll kill him. Him and his poor gay heart. Oh well he did have a better chance with Kakashi than Sasuke.**_

…

_**Okaaaaaaay….Neji? Hello? You still with me? NEEEEEJJJJJJIIIIII... I think that the shock killed all of his brain cells….Wow poor kid. I hope the brain cells come back to life… (sighs) Long range hand seal-less brain cell reviver jutsu! **_

…_WHAT THE HECK!_

_**Yay Neji your back! Whew! I though that I lost you for a sec.**_

_Sasuke! He…he…_

_**Yeah I know. Man, Itachi is going to freak when I tell him. Take the rest of the day off Neji-san….you deserve a break.**_

_Yeah... I'm going to go crawl into my emo corner_

… _**You do that.**_

* * *

And another chapter gone! I've decided for this fic to be crack! You guys will love the ending I promise! Also I'm looking for some one-shot ideas! I have a few myself like doing a HidanxTsunade thing and a TentenXKisame one…. Yeah I like the rare parings that could never happen in the series. Well sue me! So if you have any ideas for me…please tell me. I will give you credit for the idea. That's all for now! Bye, bye folks!


	4. Tenten and Ino

The Neji files

Author: Hello good readers! It's chapter three of the Neji files! Neji has taken his day off (Which he spent in his emo corner) and is back on the hunt for more black mail! Today's victims will be Tenten and Ino! I got the idea for this one from a Naruto comic I saw on youtube. I know that it's kinda short so yeah… Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Naruto characters. Yeah I know that I'm pretty lax with doing disclaimers…..

* * *

Neji was aimlessly wandering around Konoha. Tally hadn't spoken to him for a while. He wondered if she had forgotten about him. He was just rounding the corner when he saw Tenten standing in front of the flower shop Ino's parents owned. She looked very shy and worried which was odd for her.

Just as Neji started to walk up to her and ask what's wrong Ino came rushing out of the shop and…and…and kissed Tenten! The two girls kissed passionately for 5 minutes. Neji froze. His foot was 6in's. off the ground.

"Ino-chan it's time" Neji heard Tenten say to the blonde.

"So soon?" came Ino's reply.

"Yes. It's now or never."

"But we need a witness to our love!"

Neji's mind stopped working halfway through this conversation.

"Neji!" Ino and Tenten had noticed him. Neji took a step back. He wanted to run and keep running and never look back. Ever.

_**Stay Neji! Your next targets are right there.**_

_Tenten...I don't believe it._

"Neji-kun" Tenten had walked up to Neji. "Can you do me and Ino a favor?"

Neji grimaced but he nodded his head.

"Ino and I are going to get married and elope."

Neji went into shock. But Tenten slapped him out of that.

"Listen!" She said. "We need a witness in order to get married! You're the only person I can trust with this. Please Neji-kun! Please help me." Tenten got a bit teary eyed at the end.

Neji grimaced again. He couldn't believe it.

_**Come on! Agree already!**_

"I'll be your witness Tenten." Neji hung his head. Then snapped it up! "On one condition."

"Condition?" Ino had come over to join the conversation. "What is your condition."

"I'll be your witness as long as you and Tenten do not leave the village."

The two girls thought it over for a moment. They talked it over for a moment. After a few minutes of heated debate they agreed to Neji's conditions.

Later at a small almost non existent chapel Neji was watching Tenten and Ino get married.

"Do you Ino take Tenten as your partner in life?" The old preacher asked. Though there was something familiar about him…he looked a lot like Jiraiya.

"I do" Ino smiled brightly. She was wearing her normal clothes.

Neji shifted.

**So tell me Neji-san. How does it feel like to have the love of your life choose to marry a **girl** over you?**

"And do you Tenten take Ino as your partner in life?"

"I do" Tenten was also dressed normally.

_It feels like the entire world has crumbled away beneath my feet leaving me to wander forever lost in this wretched, evil filled world I now call heck._

"Then you may kiss"

They did. They giggled a bit. Then showered Neji with thanks before running off. Together.

_**How…poetic.**_

_Please kill me._

_**Sorry Neji you still have a mission. Now come on! 6 down 5 to go!**_

_Where's my emo corner. I need my emo corner right now._

_**Jezz….I wonder if you're going to sane enough to complete the mission. Oh well, me and Tsunade have some drinking buddies to meet! See ya Neji and good luck getting over Tenten marrying a girl and not you.**_

_I hate you._

_I luvs yous toos!_

* * *

So how do you like the story so far? Please tell me.

Contest! If anyone can guess my favorite Akatsuki character I'll yet you choose the next black mail victims and what they get black mailed for! Until next time peoplez!


	5. Kiba and Shikamaru

Author: Hello…..

Neji: AND THUS ANOTHER CHAPTER IS HERE!

Author: You seen awfully happy….

Neji: No...Not really…I'm still in pain from Tenten's betrayal.

Author: Oh so you're just acting….. I'm sad…my plan to get people to review has failed!

Neji: That's too bad….not that it was a good plan anyways….

Author: (angry)Why you….(sighs) well it was a bad plan…(grabs keyboard) Well time to start typing…..

Neji: Well whats to be expected for today?

Author: Today is Shikamaru and Kiba's turn.

Neji: YOSH! Let's get started!'

Author: ...in a little while... I'm a go play Naruto clash of ninja revolution.

Neji: Sweet! I'll play to! I'm Itachi!

Author: NO WAY! I'M ITACHI!

Neji: too late. I called it.

Author: Fine! I'll just pwn you as Hinata!

Neji: Heh bring it on.

Author: You are SO going down!

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto! If I did then everything that happens in this story would be what actually happens (evil grin.) You guys are going to love how this story ends.

* * *

Neji was walking casually to Kiba's house. The doggy nin had invited him and Shikamaru to sleep over. Neji was irked at how he was going to a sleepover, hosted by one of targets assigned to him that day by Tally Mai. Shikamaru was also an assigned target.

"Yo! Neji!" Kiba ran out of his house and jump hugged Neji. "Hey you made it! Shikamaru is already here. We were just deciding what we were going to do first."

Neji just nodded.

The inside of Kiba's house could have been mistaken for a veterinary office. There were cages, bags of dog food, and collars and leashes everywhere.

"Yeah sorry 'bout the mess." Kiba grinned in embarrassment. He rubbed his hair. "Let's go to my room."

Neji's shock at the dog nins house was short lived. He kind of expected something like that in the first place.

When Neji and Kiba walked in to the dog nins room he received the shock oh his life. Kiba's entire bed room walls were covered entirely in Hannah Montana posters. His bed had Hannah Montana bed spreads. He even had a Hannah Montana alarm clock on lamp! In a corner of his room sitting on a small round table was a Hannah Montana radio with every single one of her CDs. Shikamaru was shuffling through them when Neji and Kiba walked in.

"Hey Neji." Shikamaru waved his hand in greeting. Not looking away from the gaudy Hanna Montana CDs.

Neji was really shaken right now. "Kiba… What the heck is this. Are you sure that we're not in your sisters room?"

Kiba cocked his head. "Hana hates Hannah Montana. She can't stand her. I, on the other hand LOVE HANNA MONTANA! So does Shikamaru."

Neji was very scared right now. And a new voice in his head didn't help.

_**OMG! HANNA MONTANA!!**_

Neji's jaw dropped. _Who the friggen heck are you?_

_**Me? Oh I'm Deidara.**_

_Deidara? Didn't you blow your self up when you fought Sasuke?_

_**Yeah. So?**_

_You're alive_

_**Oh yeah, Tally Mai brought me back to life.**_

…_.._

_**What? Anyways I'm really jealous! I don't have that poster in the middle of his wall! I want it!**_

_Where's Tally Mai?_

_**Tally Mai? I dunn know... probly fooling around with Hidan somewhere.**_

_To much information. _

_**So…**_

_Your jealous that it's not you._

_**I hate you.**_

"Neji!"

Pain seared on the side of Neji's face. Shikamaru had slapped him.

"What the heck!" Neji yelled at the last nin.

"You were making faces and didn't respond when me and Kiba called your name, it's too troublesome…"

Neji glared at him but Kiba cut in between him and Shikamaru.

"Hey! Get along guys! I know just the thing that will have us all good friends again!"

"What?" Two curious boys asked.

"HANNA MONTANA KARAOKE!" Kiba cheered!

"I'm game." Shikamaru smirked smugly at Neji. Daring him to chicken out and say no.

Neji returned the smirk with a death glare. "Bring. It. On." He said in a dangerously low voice.

And so the torment, err, Karaoke begins!

Kiba started.

"Uh oh  
There you go again talking cinematic  
Yeah you!  
You're charming, got everybody star struck.  
I know  
How you always seem to go  
For the obvious instead of me  
But get a ticket and you'll see"

They all joined in for the chorus.

"If we were a movie  
You'd be the right guy  
And I'd be the best friend  
You'd fall in love with  
In the end we'd be laughing  
Watching the sunset  
Fade to black  
Show the names  
Play that happy song"

Neji was starting to feel extremely gay.

Shikamaru's solo was up next.

"Yeah, yeah  
When you call me  
I can hear it in your voice  
Oh sure!  
Wanna see me  
And tell me all about her  
La la  
I'll be acting through my tears  
I guess you'll never know  
That I should win  
An Oscar for this scene I'm in"

The chorus again.

And finally the dreaded moment. Neji's solo.

"Wish I could tell you there's a twist  
Some kind of hero in disguise  
And we're together  
It's for real  
Now playing  
Wish I could tell you there's a kiss  
Like something more than in my mind  
I see it  
Could be amazing"

Neji's gay meter was broken now and he couldn't even finish that last chorus. Kiba and Shikamaru didn't mind though.

So the rest of the sleepover was spent singing Hannah Montana songs and "talking" about her. Some of the things that came out of Kiba's mouth are not suitable for young children.

Neji would have gone insane the next morning if Tally Mai hadn't saved his sanity.

_**So? How was the sleep over?**_

_I think that my brain is fried…_

_**What happened?**_

_Kiba and Shikamaru are Hannah Montana fanatics. I bet that they stalk her._

_**Ugh. I HATE Hannah Montana. She's a beeyoch.**_

_I so totally agree with you. And um…_

_**What?  
**_

_Were you really fooling around with Hidan last night?_

… _**That is private information. How the heck did you know? You have no right to invade my private life.**_

Neji nearly burst into a million pieces from rage.

_WHAT THE FRIG DO YOU CALL THIS!?_

_**A Mission. They are totally different things.**_

_No...They're not._

_**Yes they are… Deidara told you didn't he.**_

_Yep._

_**Excuse me I must go kill him now… well start looking for your next target in the mean time.**_

_Hai_

_**Good little slave.**_

_IM NOT YOUR SLAVE!_

_**MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!**_

… _I really hope that my sanity stays intact long enough for me to finish this mission._

* * *

Yosh! Finally I finish this chapter! It's been bugging me so much that I couldn't think of anything for Kiba and Shikamaru. Seriously. I had nothing, well almost nothing. I had the idea of Kiba being addicted to cat nip but I liked the whole Hannah Montana thing so yeah! Pleas review! Reviewing is love! And will guarantee another chapter!


	6. Shino, Sakura and Choji

**Warning: Implied Uchihacest**

**Why? Cuz I wanted to and cuz I thought that it would be funny.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto! If i did then the whole story would be devoted to the Akatsuki.**

* * *

Me: Hello!

Neji: Whatever…

Me: Don't mind him. He's just piffled that I kept beating him in Naruto Clash of Ninja as Hinata. He's recovering from some issues.

Neji: Who's the next targets?

Me: Well your next targets are the ones a lovely review said that they can't wait to read.

Neji: Who?

Me: Sakura and Shino!

Neji: (sighs)

Me: Don't look so glum Neji! I heard that Tenten and Ino are-

Neji: (runs away screaming) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!

Me: Poor boy. He's going to be in an insane asylum by the time this is all over.

* * *

Neji was walking through the woods at night. Tally Mai had told him that an anonymous tipster told her that a chance for more black mail has opened.

Neji pushed through a few bushes. A small humming noise could be heard in the clearing up ahead.

"Byakugan!" Neji whispered. He saw Shino standing by himself in the open meadow.

_What's he doing?_ Neji thought. He zoomed in on Shino. The buggy nin did a quick 360 is his surroundings. Not a sound could be heard.

Then things stated to go crazy.

Three bug clones all in the likeness of the Jonas brothers appeared behind Shino. They started to do some funky disco dancing. They all stopped and looked at Shino. Suddenly out of nowhere Dancing Queen by Abba started playing. Shino started to dance, really good, to the music. The Jonas Brothers look-a-likes started to sing in girly voices.

"You are the dancing queen

Young and sweet and only seventeen

Dancing queen feel the beat from the tambering"

Shino was doing some awesome dance moves. The song changed to a remix version and Shino was breaking dancing with the JBLL (Jonas brothers look a likes)

The JBLL started to river stomp but Shino kept up is mad break dancing. The music was changing styles and songs by the second. Finally after 10 minutes of nonstop dancing the JBLLs disappeared and Shino gained his composure. He stalked quietly into the woods. Never noticing Neji who saw the whole thing.

_**OMG! HE'S SUCH A GREAT DANCER!**_

_Yeah… I never would have guessed…_

_**OK! No time to waste! Next target!**_

_Who is the poor fellow this time?  
_

_**Useless big fatheaded freak of nature… SAKURA!**_

_Sigh…okay_

_**Aww! Good doggie!**_

_I'M NOT YOUR DOG!_

_**It's that or slave. You chose**_

_I'll take dog._

_**Kay!**_

* * *

It was bright and sunny when Neji was standing at the end of Sakura's street. He was hiding behind a toy cart. He had his byakugan activated. He was watching Sakura who had just came out of her house. She quickly dogged into a dark alley next to her house.

_**Give Chase Neji!  
**_

_I know, I know. I hope that she's not taking drugs like Lee._

_**Who knows.**_

Neji jumped up onto the roof. He watched Sakura open a dumpster. But it didn't look like it had any garbage into. There was something else.

_**Zoom in or something.**_

Neji focused on the contents of the dumpster. He nearly lost his virgin eyes when he saw that they were pictures. Not just any pictures. Pictures of Sasuke in his birthday suit.

Neji gasped when he saw Itachi appear right next to the dumpster. He handed Sakura a wad of cash and Sakura gave him some pictures in return.

_W-T-F?!_

_**I think that Sakura is a porn dealer. And by the looks of it. Itachi is her main customers.**_

_Wow_

_**I'd thought that by now these kinds of things wouldn't surprise you any more.**_

_I knew these people for years! Of course I would be surprised!_

_**Yosh! Hmm… Who's left?**_

_Um.. First was Lee and Naruto_

_**Then Sasuke and Hinata**_

_Ino and Tenten…._

_**Don't go emo Neji! Hang in there! I heard that they are-**_

_Stop! We've also go Shikamaru and Kiba_

_**And we just got Sakura and Shino so….**_

_Choji is all that's left._

_**Cool! Since he's the last one let's get something on him right now!**_

_Do I have to?_

_**OBEY YOUR MASTER!**_

… _I have you. A lot_

_**Awww! I luvs yous toos!**_

* * *

Okay there's Choji's house! Just take a quick peek into his room.

Fine… this feels so wrong…

Oh get over it.

Using his Byakugan the Hyuuga looked into Choji's room just as the nin took of his shirt.

_**OMG! ROFL! LMAO! HE WEARS A BRA! WITH LACE!**_

…_. I am now scared for life._

_**I think that I am too. NOT! This is almost as good as Shino dancing.**_

_So is my mission over? AM I FINALLY FREE FROM THIS TORMENT!_

_**Yep! I'll leave you note for tomorrow. You're still mine until then.**_

_NUUUUUUUUUUUU!_

* * *

Me: Yays! Three people in one day!

Neji: (singing and dancing) I'M FREE I'M FREE I'MMMMM FREEEEEEE

Me: (tazes him)

Neji: (smokes, body twitches)

Me: He needs and electric collar. Anyways! Review! When I get another review I will write the last chapter!


	7. Ending

I know..it's shoty. Oh well.

**I do not own Naruto!**

* * *

Me: NUUUUUUUU

Neji: ??

Me: It's that last chapter!

Neji: YES! And mu sanity is still intact!

Me: Oh no it won't. (Grins evilly)

Neji: (gulps) what are you planning?

Me: Read and find out.

* * *

Neji's alarm clock beeped loudly in his ear. He slammed his hand down on the off button. He was about to fall back asleep when he remembered when today was. Today was the last day of his mission. He was going to be free from his suffering. He snapped up and Jumped out of bed. He cursed when he tripped on a discarded shirt on the floor. He searched frantically for that yellow post-it note that will give him his next set of instructions. When he found it he was too concerned about reading the note than thinking about where he found it. In his boxers drawer in the small dresser in his room.

Go to the training field

That Kakshi and his team train at.

Wait there, don't do anything

Tally Mai-chan luvs yous and will misses yous

Loties!

Neji happily did what the note told him to do. In fact, he was so happy that he skipped and sung songs the entire way there. He didn't notice the strange looks people were giving him.

He arrived at the training field and waited.

* * *

2 whole days later.

* * *

"Yo! Neji!" Tally Mai came bounding into the field to see Neji's look of pure rage.

"WHERE IN THE (Neji's a potty mouth!) YOU LITTLE (more potty mouth) and I should (A heck of a lot more potty mouth)" he huffed.

"Surprise!" Tally Mai cheered!

"What?" Neji was confused. He was even more confused when everyone that he had spent the last week stalking came out of the forest yelling surprise!

"What's going on?" Neji glared at Tally Mai.

"Isn't it obvious?" She scoffed playfully. "The whole mission was one huge prank!"

Neji was on the verge of heart attack. He pointed at Lee and Naruto who were snuffling giggles at the Hyuuga's confused face.

"You aren't taking crack and your not guy?"

"Yep!" They both cheered. He pointed at Hinata and Sasuke next.

"Your are really a girl you're your not getting a sex change?"

Hinata looked way but nodded all the same. A smile playing on her lips. Sasuke huffed. "As if I would do something like that."

Neji stared at Tenten. "And your are not really married to Ino?"

"No silly!"

"But the priest…"

"That was Jiraiya!" Ino answered.

"You don't like Hannah Montana?"

Kiba patted the back of his head again. "Nope. That really was my sister's room."

"It was too troublesome."

Neji's brain was almost working aging. "You really don't dance with JBLL, and you don't deal porn to S-rank criminals and you really don't wear a bra?"

Shino, Sakura and Choji nodded their heads.

"It was all one big prank! Even Tsunade-hime was in on it! Though I owe her money. I made a bet with her saying that you'd have lost your sanity by now." Tally Mai puched her fist.

Tally Mai was right though. In a second Neji had snapped. He started to foam at the mouth. His body convulsed at irregular intervals. He laughed like a maniac. Left eye twitching un-controllably. He started to run around the forest mass murdering squirrels.

"NO! SAVE THE SQUIRRELS!" lee yelled. Desperately trying to stop Neji.

"Hah!" Tally Mai yelled. "I WIN THE BET! WHOO!!"

* * *

The end.

Neji: ….

Me: Good huh?

Neji: ….

Me: Guess what readers!

Neji: ….

Me: THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL!

Neji: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Me: don't worry Neji-kun! Tobi will help you this time! Tobi is a good boy!

Neji: (Goes crazy again.)

Me: (shoots tranquilizer)

Neji: (drops)

Me: Review please!


	8. IMPORTANT NOTICE!

_**Important!**_

* * *

_**The Neji files 2 is here! The sequel that all of you have been asking for is finally here!**_

* * *


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